that horrible feeling

i felt diligent today,
even though i failed to wake up early *laughs*
anyhow,
my mind's cleared up,
but new emotions are flooding in:

i'm missing you guys terribly--
after one and a half year of parting,
the longing began a week ago
and still going strong and steady

the loneliness is most terrifying when i'm surrounded by people

and you,
are impossible to keep out
it must be your understanding nature,
or your gentle heart,
or the other ten thousand qualities you possess;
i am fortunate to meet you

CLOSED.

things are coming up--
and today, for some queer reason,
a song was able to bring me to tears,
eh, *ponders* not really a strange thing,
but it is, in this situation.
anyhow, the song moved me-- strongly.

somewhere in the distance, i hear sorrow
and i'm unable to alleviate it.

i'm closing myself off from you.
and thinking carefully,
*what is it i feel?*
my eyes are blinded now;
whether it's light or darkness i do not care
i wish you well

after 48hours

and 14 hours of sleep,
i still feel a little sick, ugh.
how it turned out that way, i know not
but ack, i wouldn't want a second time

so much happened, sprinkled with laughter and happiness
and the lips, disturbingly red
draws attention unwantedly

i am treated like a child,
coddled, teased, wholeheartely received--
a change from the big-sister role i usually play

i saw you this weekend,
much happier, *i think*
still heartbreakingly considerate and warm

*for a while, the anticipation subsided,

and i'm skeptical of my expections,

but on the way to where you were waiting,

it returns,
stronger than before, and i was scared to see you

again, the cycle begins,

early this morning:

in times like this i feel that friends don't live up to anyone's--
including their own,
expectations
because ultimately, the decision is theirs and theirs alone.
we may spend hours comforting and soothing them,
but they can still choose to wallow in misery and pain--

and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it,

nothing.

this isn't an accusation, or at least i try not to let it be,

i just wish they'd love themselves more, and love us too

i'm seeing you soon,

and the anticipation is overwhelming

will the sun be shining brightly?

or was it the moon reflecting it when you console me?

entry

he stepped on my shoe very gently
i look at him and step on his [softly] too
"why[?]" i ask
"new shoes," he says
"they're not" i tell him
"really?" he answers.
we laugh quietly.

this scene pops up during the queerest times *smile*

i think you're working too hard,
but you know your limits right?
so i'm not going to get carried away worrying about it;
i will not.

so very unsure

and i thought the feeling faded,
it didn't-- just hid behind, and today,
squeezed me till i was gasping for air.
i may have been your emotional support, but she holds your heart.
so please,
allow me to reflect without hurting
i want to see you,
and tell you sincerely that i wish you all the happiness

our conversations are entertaining,
filled with giggles and gentle emotions;
may it last

and i'm still a child

somehow my childish side took over,
refuses to surrender--
now i want to be spoiled,
to be pampered,
so please, indulge me*

are you happy now?
the light seems to be filtering through,
but i want it to last

here kitty kitty kitty

our temporary roommate: wan zi

or rather, meatball, in english

though it's very poorly translated

elegantly detached, and awfully adorable

on to something that's on my mind lately,
i wonder,
what's a reasonable way to respond to a compliment,
especially when it holds meaning to the other,
do i smile,
do i say, "thank you"
do i pretend i don't know?

instead-- i blush.

his world is brighter, i feel