February 15

dear co,
i woke up to your deep sleep
a sleep so content you're unwilling and never to wake
rest well and watch over us
in your quiet, timid, clumsy, infinitely adorable way
you've touched more people than you thought
and brought happiness unmeasurable
i love you, i miss you.

*
i still check everytime i sit down for dinner
careful to not kick you
my hands unconsciously beckon for you when watching tv leaning against the wall
my eyes stray and sweep under the couch, the chair,
the nook formed between the cupboard and mom+dad's door,
you would be nestled there, comfortable, sleepy, and always jumpy
the gates look empty without you trotting around,
your dinner still boggles me,
your bag lying there, waiting.
i love you, i miss you.

*
where you are now,
i wish for all the food that you couldn't eat here,
for a set of indestructable teeth,
for floors that aren't quite as waxed,
for shared memories to be around.
rest well.
i love you, i miss you.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
i love you, i miss you,
i love you, love you, miss you.

someone has/d to be the bitch,
and because i wanted to end it all
to start again
to do something-- i took the role;
it didn't matter if my words hurt myself most
it didn't matter if their tears sting me most
it didn't matter if we all blame ourselves
it didn't matter aslongaswemovedforward,
;because someone had to.

i'm sorry if these accusations seemed unfound
i'm sorry if the swearings came out too harsh
i'm sorry that we had to resort to all this
but i won't apologize for forcing you to talk
i won't apologize for forcing you to communicate
so don't you apologize either.

ipray

i don't know what's wrong
i don't want anything to be wrong
so please, eat.
don'tstarveyourself
dontlookatfoodandwalkaway
dontletme thinkofpossibleconsequences
dontmake me grief