update

still alive and kicking.
pent up frustration.
reaching out.

i hate taipei's humidity.

the older sister

1.caring 2.considerate 3.all-knowing 4.supportive 5.intelligent 6.understanding

until now i've always thought myself qualified, even if barely
until now i've been able to lend a hand, or at least had a choice
until now. i can only watch her descent into madness, into guilt and pain and selfresentment i had thrown on her.

i don't understand at all
i can't tell if those smiles and laughs are genuine
i don't know if my words mean anything to you

i can only hold you and encourage
i can only listen and bite my lips when i hear your frustration and pain
i can only let the tears fall when you break down from all our hope
drowning in your own despair

that's what an older sister does:
we keep up the smile and optimism
we sing "everything's gonna be alright"
we tell ourselves that we're strong and we'll pull through

because our world will fall apart if we're not there to hold it
because that's the only thing i can do for you now.

--
i belive in effort, in principles, in love, in family, in faith
i really do.
these last months have me doubting
--
don't worry, i'll be first to jump and break your fall
i'll be the first to save you from yourself

if i start going over the edge, will you stop me too?

standing one leg over a cliff is tiring, and that flight sounds terribly relieving

rotten strawberry

that's it, i've just proven myself the kind of person i've always scorned.
arrogant, nonchalant, pretentious--and worse of all: SELFDENYING.
shit. when will i learn?!
it was rude to the people, it was contempt on my part, it was failure from the start.

***
rotten strawberry:
not from a fall, but from sitting there too long.